“The fear of Yhwh is to hate evil: Pride…”
Such a small word. How can it wreak such havoc on one’s life???
The past few days I have found myself praying the words of Psalms 139:23-24 with all my heart, “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” I want to be a vessel of honor that He can use. Not one that He can’t. And I want to serve Him with my whole heart, not with just part of it!!
But how could I, if I wasn’t coming before His throne with a pure, and perfect heart? I wanted to be able to stand before my King, with a clean heart!
I wanted to be holy, no matter what it cost me and so my prayer has been “search me, Yhwh. Please, search me! Try me and show me where I have allowed sin to rule and have dominion in my life and help me acknowledge it, repent of it, and please forgive me for it and help me get it out of my life, once and for all.” It was time to do some deep cleaning of my heart and soul…again.
Last night as I was talking with my sister, sharing with her a struggle that I was having, it hit me like a ton of bricks. As I allowed Yhwh to take me down a journey, revealing my heart to me, He showed me what has been a major root sin in my life. It’s called allowing the spirit of Pride into my life. I could see it plainly now. And talk about a very humbling moment. I had unknowingly allowed it in to rule, and rule it was…in soooo many areas of my life! But there is one particular area of my life that this spirit had controlled me in, which broke my heart. And this morning found me on my knees crying out to my King, once again, begging His forgiveness like never before!!! Realizing the seriousness of this sin and how it has kept me bound in its chains for far too long.
You see, my precious sisters, although I have tried to ignore this wicked spirit and its control it had on my life (not really wanting to accept the fact that this was a major problem in my life), I realized that I could not deny it any longer. Accepting the fact that it had kept me in bondage concerning one of the most important aspects of my life…hurt. It really hurt. You see, my precious sisters, this evil spirit of pride has held me back from truly worshipping my King, as King! It had stopped me from praising Him according to His righteousness (Ps 7:17), which He deserved! Not to mention a slew of other things.
Let me explain.
My whole life I have cared more of what people thought, than what my King thought. Not in all areas, but in some of the most crucial and important areas of my life!! Yet, isn’t it just like Ha’Satan to know exactly what areas he needs to try to control us in to get us away from truly serving our King, in spirit and in truth?! Well, he certainly knew how to go about stealing something that rightfully belonged to my King! But isn’t that what he is out to do; to steal, kill, and destroy? So it really shouldn’t surprise me! But that truth didn’t really help the hurt, the pain, the regret, and the great sorrow that I felt from the truth of it all…because in some ways, it did surprise me. It did take me by surprise. As much as it shouldn’t have, as much as I should have seen this a long time ago, I didn’t. Atleast I never accepted it before.
I allowed Yhwh to play my life before my eyes, this time not stopping Him (ever asked Him to reveal your heart to you and then beg Him to stop?). I had asked Him to search me, and I needed to let Him. But as He played things before my mind’s eye, it stung deeper and deeper, as the realization of it all hit home. Time after time, I saw myself in a setting where I had longed to worship Him, even as simply as raising my hands in worship (like I knew He commanded!), or getting down on my knees before Him, or the times I longed to be free to just dance before Him and stop being so concerned about knowing the steps or what people might think as I stumbled my way through them, yet allowed something to hold me back and make me stop short. I allowed myself to think of the many times I have felt so overwhelmed by His love, yet fought the tears that wanted to come, afraid of what others might think, waiting for a more private setting to let them fall (after all, who enjoys crying in front of people for whatever reason?! Okay, I know. Pride.).
I thought of the many times that I have wanted to reach out and encourage or share the gospel with another, but held back. What if I didn’t say the right thing? The list was endless. In my heart I longed to do one thing, but always held back by something…or what I now realize was a five letter word…pride.
Yet, that’s not what I had seen it as. Like a lot of things, as Yhwh teaches us and matures us, we learn what we have always thought was right, is wrong. Take raising your hands in worship. Isn’t that just drawing attention to oneself? So we refrain. I mean, you don’t want to do that, right? Ha’Satan puts a lie in our minds, and we accept it, hook line and sinker. Sure, anything we can do in this life, can be turned into sin. If our hearts aren’t pure, and the spirit we do it in isn’t pure, it’ll be sin…even if there is nothing sinful about the act itself. I don’t argue this. But, that doesn’t change the fact that we are supposed to lift our hands up to our King! What has to be pure is our hearts in doing so.
Yet, Ha’Satan tries to convince us we can’t obey Him, because we could sin. Instead he convinces us to just “do it when no one is looking”. Ultimately, what he is trying to convince us to do is, “stop serving Yhwh in public! Stop hailing Him as your Master and your King!” You know, the same mindset he used on the children of Israel with Jeroboam in telling them, “just come here, it’s too far to go all the way up to Jerusalem to keep the feasts!” changing what Yhwh commanded, ever so slightly, ever so slyly.
And way too often in my life, I have given into his lies. My heart yearned to be free to worship my King, yet pride held me back. There have been times that I have had to hug my arms to keep them from raising up in praise and worship. Everything within my heart and soul wanted to, yet in the name of humility, I forced them down. There have been times that I have simply just walked away from a group, so that I could, in the cover of the night, worship my King, as Lord and King of my life, freely.
I know for some of you who have been raised that this is quite normal to do, probably would never understand, why for others, this is a battle similar to other struggles we have, having been brought up that it’s wrong. Yes, like many other things, we learn that it is anything but wrong! But, it doesn’t change the fact that this has been a struggle that I have had my entire life.
This sin has gone so deep, has controlled me to such a point, that it has stopped me from serving my King, the way He wants to be served! Who cares if anyone is looking and thinks poorly of you…why should that ever stop you from worshipping your Creator, your King, your Lover? Yhwh brought to my mind about David dancing before Him in the streets. If I wanted a pure heart, then I had to realize that I had failed Him in this! I had to break the hold that this unclean spirit had on my life and I had to stop letting pride rule my life!! Was I going to be a Michael? Or a David? Was I willing to worship Him, like it was only He and I in the room, or stop from worshipping Him, because I was more concerned what people thought (or God-forbid, might think!), than what He thought?
He brought my mind to a future place, where having realized that He answered my prayers, I had two choices I could make. One was to get down on my knees, not caring who was around, and thank Him for His answer, for His provision which I knew I totally didn’t deserve, yet was grateful for? Or would I choose the second option which was was to wait to do that, until totally alone? Which would I choose? You might laugh and think that this is a funny question, but it wasn’t funny at all to me. He knew how to get me straight where He needed to and how to get to the heart of the matter. And He knew my heart better than anyone. He knew at this point, the spirit was willing, but the flesh was being controlled by an unclean spirit. And He knew I had to admit, I would not thank Him or praise Him, by humbling myself like that. I would wait, like I had always done.
You see sisters, we can’t deceive our Heavenly Abba. He already knows our hearts. But He wants us to get to know our hearts for what they are, and if we don’t acknowledge the sin in our lives, there is nothing more He can do. He was going to keep walking me down a road, until I saw what this sin was, in it’s entirety, and how it hurt HIM and our relationship.
He the continued and brought to my mind the lepers that He had healed. He had healed all of them, yet only one turned around, raised his hands to the heavens, and worshipped Yahshua right there and then, thanking Him for what He had just done! He didn’t wait until he was home and alone. He wasn’t worried what people had thought! This was his KING! He deserved to be thanked and praised, regardless as to who was around, right then and there! Yahshua had just answered his prayer and healed him!!!!
So, let me ask you a question…why should we be any different? Yes, I think we’ve taken this seriousness a bit too far! We have got to loosen up some! I mean, Yhwh says to “let them ever SHOUT for joy!!!” And why shouldn’t we, so undeserving of His love, not shout His praises from the rooftops? I can hear some saying “Amein!”…so what’s holding you back? When is the last time you have stopped what you were doing, and truly shouted His praises to the world? When have we even praised and thanked Him, right then and there for answering our prayers, or for providing something for us, in public? All too often I think we mumble a quick “thanks” or something. But, let me remind you, this is your KING who just provided something for you!!! He didn’t even have to protect you on the road, but He did. He didn’t have to provide you with a car to drive from place to place, but He has. See what I mean? How often do we truly sing forth His praises and what He has done for us? Why do we hold it back?
Yhwh then brought my playing my guitar to my mind. Again, something I hated to do in public. I knew I wasn’t that good at all, and I’d rather not be humiliated (okay, humbled!) in front of people. But again, what was I to care more about? What people would think about how horribly I may have played? Or was I to care more about Who I was playing for? Again, I saw how I had allowed the ugly monster of a spirit called pride, to rule my life. There was no denying it any longer. And truthfully, I was tired of denying it. He had made His point very clear, and I wanted to be set free!! I wanted to live my life, truly and wholly, for my King, and hold nothing back from Him! I saw it more clearly than I have ever saw it before. Yes, it was humbling. It is humbling! And yes, the truth hurts, but it’s the truth, and now that I knew what the truth was, I had to take action. And that meant that Ha’Satan and his ugly fruit of pride was being kicked out!
Sisters, I share this humbling experience with you, because of a beloved fellow believer who once told me I needed to be more open and honest with you in sharing what Yhwh is doing in my life (however humbling!), because just like it has blessed me when they have done the same with me, and just like them sharing has led me ever nearer to the foot of the cross and shown me how I too, could retain victory in my own life, maybe in my sharing my struggles and victories with you, it will help one of you who are struggling with the same thing, to gain the victory in your own life. We can try to convince people until the cows come home, that we are perfect, but we aren’t. I’m certainly not. You’re not alone in your struggles. This is the one thing Ha’Satan wants so desperately to convince us of…that we’re all alone and that no one struggles with what we struggle with…because if he succeeds, we can’t learn from each other in how others have become overcomers, not subcomers! In being blatantly honest with you, I pray it will do what my friend has done for me, and help you look at your own life, a bit clearer. We have got to come before a just and holy God, with clean hearts.
Yhwh tells us to “…believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God:…” (1 John 4:1) He goes onto to say that “…pride compasseth them about as a chain;…” (Psalms 73:6) Pride is not from Yhwh, sisters! No matter what Ha’Satan will try to convince you of, or to try to make you believe it’s something other than pride, we have to see sin as what it is, sin.
Proverbs 8:13 says, that “The fear of Yhwh is to hate evil: pride…” Here Yhwh tells us it’s evil, plain and simple, and He hates it! Why? Because it keeps us from serving Him, in sincerity and truth! It’s the fruit of Ha’Satan, not of Him! It’s an unclean spirit.
I come before you and ask you the question, have you allowed this evil spirit to rule your life? Are you allowing pride, no matter what name it is hiding under, to keep you from serving Yhwh, with your whole heart? Yes, it may have fancy names like humbleness (when in reality it is really pride stopping us FROM being humble!), fear (another major sin we often deal with), shyness, etc. But in reality, they are all just Ha’Satan trying to candy coat this root spirit and it’s ruling in our lives, to try to draw our attention away from it, so it can continue to keep us in slavery…or as scripture says, chains.
Sisters, regardless as to how it is holding you captive, I want you to know it doesn’t have to remain keeping you in it’s chains! Yahshua has given us the power we need to break these chains of sin in our lives! He longs to set us free, but we have got to be willing to get down on our knees and cry out to Him! We have got to come before Him in true repentance and ask Him to forgive us! We have got to acknowledge this is even a problem in our lives (or any other sin for that matter!), before He can help us overcome it. We have to start realizing the area’s Ha’Satan has gained entrance into our hearts, and start doing some house cleaning! Kick him out!!! He has no right to you…not any longer! You’ve been bought by a price, the highest price anyone could ever pay…Yahshua’s own blood! And believe me, there is power in His blood!
Will the battle be won instantly? No, because we have let it take deep root into our lives, and roots dig deep and are hard to uproot. It’s going to take vigilance. Ever watchful, ever rejecting him trying to re-gain entrance, being constantly in prayer, and realizing we need Yhwh’s strength to overcome. But Yhwh wants us to worship Him and serve Him with our whole heart, and I promise you, He is right there beside you each step of the way! But like any soldier must do, we must keep our eyes open, ever watching to make sure the enemy does not gain entrance behind the front lines (and when he does, to kill him on the spot!)! Keep him up front where he belongs, and keep your guns loaded and aimed at him, where they belong.
Oh, my precious sisters, keep fighting the good fight of faith!!!! Our God IS on the Throne!!!! Don’t ever lose site of the prize that is set before you!!! Keep pressing on…pressing in. And may Yhwh give us all the strength we need, as we continually get down on our knees and seek His face. May we never stop allowing Him to cleanse us and purify us, and show us when we have been terribly wrong. Let Him humble you. It’s what it is going to take. After all, isn’t that a virtue? :o)
I’ll leave you with a verse that has become so dear to me.
“I WILL PRAISE Yhwh according to HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS: and WILL SING praise to the name of Yhwh MOST HIGH.” Psalms 7:17