Shalom my precious sisters!
For weeks now, I have been wondering what I should share with you. There is so much going through my mind and heart, yet I find myself at loss of words. I know, not too often. :o) But I will try to share my heart with you and what has been taking place.
As you know, I was the primary care-taker of my grandfather for 3.5 years, until his passing this last July. Soon after that, I was needed out of state, only to arrive home for 2 weeks, and leave to go help my precious sister with her beautiful family and new set of equally beautiful twin girls, for another 3.5 months. Upon my return home January 5, I was not in the least bit prepared for what met me. I was so immensely glad to be back home, having missed my family a great deal, and knowing that I was most likely about to leave the country for another 6 months. But at the same time, even amongst the joy and excitement at seeing and being with my beloved family, I was hit with the realization that my grandfather was gone, once again. Not only did my arms feel incredibly empty, having had the three little ones in them for three and a half months, but I just felt at such a loss. I had always had my grandfather to take care of upon my return trips home, yet basically for the first time, I arrived home to not having him to look after.
I have to say that the loneliness that hit, and the heartache and longing, was nothing I was prepared for. Yes, I could help around the house for sure, but I found myself trying to find a new normal and not really knowing where to start. I had pretty much wrapped my loose ends up before leaving, having had Yhwh lay it on my heart to get things done beforehand, so I didn’t really have any projects going. And since I’m also getting ready, Yhwh willing, to leave to serve overseas for 6 months, starting something big, I knew was out of the question.
Nights were the worst and became something that I dreaded. I had a beautiful routine where I would rock the girls to sleep pretty much each night. I found my heart aching, my hands empty. That’s when I began to sense Yhwh telling me to “be still” and I realized just how hard that was for me to do. I love serving. I love helping. Sitting still isn’t something I am good at doing and made me deal with a lot that I honestly, would have rathered not had to think about. Sure, I help out around our home, I cook, I clean, I run errands, I knit, I sew, etc. But keep in mind, for the past 4 years, my life looked a lot different. He was always there to take care of, to get up in the morning, to feed during the day and care for, and we always had an especially sweet routine in the evenings when I put him to bed. But all of a sudden, I realized my life was taking on a totally different “new normal”. And at the present, I didn’t have anyone to take care of, and that was a rough reality that set in.
I found myself spending more time in the Word, reading encouraging books, and just praying. I never realized this season would be so difficult, and I guess, because I have been so busy since July, I never really thought much about the fact that I was going to have to re-organize my life (if you want to call it that). I never realized just how hard it would be when things began to quiet down, and answers to prayer about my next step, would take longer to be answered than I expected. So instead of life being extremely busy, I found it to be quiet…for a first time in a very long time. I didn’t even have births happening. Which has been a blessing, but nonetheless, hard. But through all this, I have found myself drawing ever closer to the One who never leaves us nor forsakes us, and oh, how sweet our time has been! When you are in the midst of serving, at times it is hard to spend quality time together, but in the stillness, I found myself learning to love the One my soul loves, even moreso! Those evenings, instead of being something that I dreaded, became sweet times. Early mornings became sweet coffee times with my Saviour, my Lover, my Guide, my Provider, and my Counselor. And I have to say, every day, I am learning to depend upon Him in a whole new way. The more I realize just how weak I am, the stronger I realize He is. In the lonely hours of the night, I found Him to be especially close.
Girls, I share all this to encourage you, go to Him. Seek Him. Lean on Him. We all have our moments of weakness, loneliness, heartache, and struggle. In those times, draw all the closer to Him! Let Him supply all your needs. Let Him show you He is your Provider, your Comforter, your Joy, your Strength! Dig ever deeper into His Word, and let Him show you new and wonderful things from it! It is His love letter to you! It is a letter about your Love, that He wrote just for YOU! Treasure it! Study it! Ponder it! When the nights become lonely, which Satan loves to try to come in during our weakest moments – so beware!!, meditate on His Word!!! You may not be like me, most aren’t :o), but for me, what really really helps, is to write out scripture verses on index cards (okay, I like color so mine are bright!) and post them all over your room and bathroom! The key to learning how to turn these struggles into something beautiful, is to turn your eyes to Him! Focus on Him. Meditate on His Word…the truth!! Take each thought captive to the obedience of Messiah. Satan wants us to dwell on our loneliness and struggles, Yhwh wants you to dwell upon His truth and what He has already told you! Yhwh says that “the JOY of Yhwh IS OUR STRENGTH!” Satan wants to steal our joy, don’t you let him do it! He knows that if he can get your focus off of Yahshua and onto your seeming problems, he has you. He will also try to distract you. Again, don’t let him. KEEP YOUR EYES FOCUSED ON YAHSHUA!
Yesterday He brought back a Psalm which has meant so much to me. Psalm 106 (now going into Psalms 107…ever thought about the waves of life like the waves of the sea? That’s a chapter to ponder!), but back to Psalms 106…it speaks about the Israelites forgetting what Yhwh had already done. They murmored. They once remembered, but soon forgat. So often, I think that is us (or atleast me). I often forget just what He has done in my life, and just WHO my God is. May we never forget. May we never complain about where He has us, but instead, ask Him why He has us here, and what He has for us to accomplish for Him while we are here. Maybe its within our own hearts that He longs to minister to, more than to have us ministering. In my case, I think that is just what He longed to do. In the next post I will share with you all a passage of scripture that has been on my heart for weeks. I find myself meditating upon it day and night. I can’t get enough of it and I know I am far from grasping the entire truth of it. But oh! How I long to! It has been ever so convicting and I know more than ever, He longs for me to gain the truth of what He is trying to say through it.
But until next time…I know…I’m leaving you all hanging! :o)